#BROTHER APPLE HOW TO#

However, in the years since, many children conceived in this way have said that instead of protecting them, secrecy left them feeling unmoored, angry, and betrayed.Ĭarl Jung called secrets “psychic poison,” and in fact, secrets can literally make us sick. At the time your daughter was conceived, 30 years ago, many parents who used a sperm donor were strongly advised by physicians not to share this information with the child, based on the belief that secrecy was better for everyone involved. I have deep compassion for the position you’re both in. It’s also possible that you were (consciously or subconsciously) trying to protect your husband, too, from a fear voiced in your letter-that if your daughter knew the truth, she might not think of your husband as her father in quite the same way as she does now. In fact, I’m certain that you and your husband kept your daughter’s paternity a secret because you felt this would protect her-from confusion, shame, or societal judgment. I point out the latter not to place blame but to prepare you for how your daughter might feel, even if you believe you had good reasons to hide the truth.

#BROTHER APPLE HOW TO#

As you think about how to have an honest conversation, keep in mind that there are two truths your daughter will be absorbing simultaneously: First, the person she calls her brother is her biological father, and second, the people she calls her parents have deceived her for 30 years. I’m glad that you and your husband have decided to tell your daughter the truth.

Thank you for any advice you have to offer. This is also hard on my husband, because he wants our daughter to know that he will always and forever be her father. My husband and I are anxious, confused, and worried about telling her. How do we tell her that her “father” is her grandfather, her “brother” is her father, her “sister” is her aunt, and her “nephew” is her half-brother? We felt that was the best decision: Our child would have my husband’s genes, and we knew my stepson’s health, personality, and intelligence. We didn’t want to use a sperm bank, so we asked my husband’s son to be the donor. We both wanted to have a child together, but my husband had a vasectomy after his second child was born-too long ago to get the procedure reversed. When I married my husband, he had two adult children, and I had none. Have a question? Email her at want to miss a single column? Sign up to get “Dear Therapist” in your inbox. Editor’s Note: On the last Monday of each month, Lori Gottlieb answers a reader’s question about a problem, big or small.

Brother apple